


I am...

by nonon_jakuzurezu



Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: F/F, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonon_jakuzurezu/pseuds/nonon_jakuzurezu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young Nonon struggles with her sexual identity and her feelings for Satsuki and another girl in her class.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am...

**Author's Note:**

> This was my KLK fanfiction debut back in May 2014! My beta reader was fairyeyes on here (osakalights on tumblr). The canon timeline is a little botched unintentionally concerning Houka's involvement in this fic, but oh well. Timeline spans from spring 2006 to spring 2009. And, uh, to me it makes PERFECT sense to write Nonon as an Ayumi Hamasaki fan (not just because I'm one, but because JUST. LOOK AT HER LIVE PERFORMANCES. PERFECTION) Anyway, uh, I hope you like it!

> _It’s not important how I’m viewed_  
>  _what I need is how I should be_  
>  —Ayumi Hamasaki _, identity_ (2009, from the album _NEXT LEVEL_ )

 

* * *

 

Nonon Jakuzure had no trouble with her identity for a long time; not even when she fell for Satsuki Kiryuin in kindergarten and swore to hold her hand forever. Satsuki changed Nonon’s life for the better, but it all started with a particular singer, and other girls in Nonon’s classes…

Nonon was ten years old when she met this singer that would change her life yet again. Well, met wouldn’t exactly be the right term, but Nonon would swear up and down this was the right term in her mind.

Nonon “met” this girl while browsing in Tower Records, looking for some obscure classical music. Satsuki had a penchant for classical music, and Nonon started listening to it to please her beloved; though she never expected that she would fall in love with the music herself—dare she say she had become obsessed with it? Nonon had been on the hunt for some classical music that wasn’t the usual mainstream fare in the genre, when suddenly; she heard the most beautiful vocals in the song that had suddenly come up on the radio:

> _Born to be free, since that day_  
>  _My dream has continued_  
>  _When we chose our ways to set out_  
>  _You and I still looked like a child with unprotected smile_  
>  _Though it has become difficult_  
>  _To smile in complete innocence like we did at that time_  
>  _We can realize more now_  
>  _We can see more now_  
>  _So I remember my promise to you_  
>  _That I wouldn’t easily give up_

  
Nonon could feel her heartstrings tugging at the heartfelt and honest lyrics, and she dropped the CD she was holding in her hands to run to the nearest clerk, a young man who knew Nonon as she was a constant visitor to Tower Records. “Excuse me, who is singing on the radio in here right now and what’s the name of the song?!” she nearly shouted as she asked this question.

  
“Huh? Ah, um, this would be Ayumi Hamasaki’s _Born To Be…_ , one of her new songs on her upcoming single this spring!” the clerk cheerfully replied. “You don’t know Ayumi Hamasaki, Jakuzure-san?”

  
Nonon blushed in embarrassment. “Who hasn’t heard of Ayumi Hamasaki, the undisputed Queen of J-Pop?” she stammered. “I’m not dumb, y’know! I just haven’t paid attention to anything other than classical music and enka in my life!”

The clerk’s lips twitched in amusement. “You’re a funny kid, Jakuzure-san.” When the song was over, he took out the promotional CD, put it in its jewel case, and handed it to Nonon. “This is the promo CD for the single. It has both A-sides as well as the B-side. You can have it. We have a bunch of other copies so it’s no big deal.”

Nonon’s eyes sparkled as she held the CD. “Really? Do you have any more promo singles from Ayumi Hamasaki that I can have?” she asked, and then blushed once more, her new obsession becoming really obvious.

“Hahaha, perhaps; but listen to that CD first and come back tomorrow after school and tell me what you think before I give you anything else, okay?” the clerk chuckled. Nonon nodded with an, “Aa!” before running out of Tower Records.

* * *

The more Nonon listened to Ayumi Hamasaki, the more obsessed she became and the more she felt like there was a connection, even though she was only ten years old. She had searched on the Internet for more of Ayumi’s works, and she found a goldmine on one particular thread in 2chan, where a kind and blessed soul posted direct download links to her entire discography. It was a toll on her Internet’s bandwidth, but it was so worth it. Nonon discovered the Acoustic Orchestra remix albums in Ayumi’s discography, and had those on heavy rotation because of her obsession with classical music.

And then, one fine day in April, she noticed a new transfer student in class. The transfer student was the second most beautiful girl in the world (Satsuki being the most beautiful) to Nonon. Her name was Natsumi Aikawa. She was similar in looks to Satsuki, with long, flowing, gorgeous black hair and big blue eyes, although her eyebrows were more acceptable in terms of Japan’s fashion and beauty standards.

Nonon found herself falling in love with her at first sight. “She’s so beautiful…” she muttered. _Wait, no!_ She began to scream in her mind. _I’m not one of **those** kinds of people, am I? I’m not… **homosexual!** Satsuki-chan doesn’t count because everyone loves Satsuki-chan! Her beauty transcends all!_

Nonon blushed heavily to the point of the teacher asking, “Is something wrong, Jakuzure?” Nonon looked down. “No, no! Nothing at all, sensei!”  
 _Who or what am I, really?_

* * *

 

  
Nonon struggled with her feelings for Natsumi for a couple more years. When she entered the seventh grade, she was certain that she loved Natsumi, and wanted to confess her love to her. She was still of the mindset that she wasn’t a lesbian, because of course, lesbians are a myth in Japan, right? There was no way a myth could be real, after all!

“Natsumi-san!” Nonon stopped Natsumi after the last class of the day let out. “Can we talk?”

“Why, yes, of course!” Natsumi cheerfully replied. “How about we go somewhere private so no one can disturb us?”

“Y-yes, that would be the best.” Nonon said lowly, fighting back her blush and embarrassment.

They went into an abandoned hall, after they checked around to make sure no one was there. “Now, Jakuzure-san, what is it that you want to say to me?”

“I… I…” Nonon’s words were getting eaten up by her fear and embarrassment. “Well, I…” this time she couldn’t fight back her blushing.

Natsumi’s face fell as she watched Nonon. “J-Jakuzure-san… Are you…” she paused while she let out a chuckle. “You can’t possibly be giving me a love confession, right?” her voice turned quite cold, and Nonon’s heart sank as she heard the tone shift.

Nonon looked down. “I—yes, that’s exactly what this is, Natsumi-san.” She braced herself for the next part, which she knew would not be pretty.

Natsumi’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “Jakuzure-san! I am not a homosexual! That’s quite dishonorable and disgusting of you to be so presumptuous!” she turned around and began walking, hissing, “Never come near me again!”

“Natsumi-sa—” Nonon’s words were cut off as Natsumi turned right back around and slapped Nonon’s face really hard. “Get away from me, you disgusting dyke!” and she ran off.

Nonon was stunned. She fell to her knees and curled her body in such a manner that was befitting of humiliation and utter disgrace. “I’m not disgusting! I’m not a lesbian!” she sobbed.

“Jakuzure-senpai!” another girl’s voice called and one of the marching band members ran up to Nonon. “Senpai, you’re late for band practice!”  
Nonon remained still. “Ah. Yeah. I am, aren’t I?” she muttered. She rose from the floor and faced her fellow marching band member. “Let’s go, yeah?”

Band practice felt extremely long and dull that afternoon. Nonon’s broken heart took up most of her attention, and her conducting skills were not on point then. The band leader had to constantly, and sharply, bring Nonon back down to Earth from the hellish and heavy feelings she felt in her heart.

Satsuki picked Nonon up from band practice that afternoon. “Jakuzure, I’m here to bring you home, as well as stay at your place for a few hours, because didn’t you invite me to watch a concert of your beloved Ayumi Hamasaki that you found on the Internet?”

Nonon’s mood lifted at the sight of her beloved Satsuki. “Yes, Satsuki-chan! Someone on 2chan leaked a fan-taken recording of her _COUNTDOWN LIVE 2008-2009_! Some of my favorite songs are being performed!”

“It amuses me that you were too cheap to actually attend this performance of hers, Jakuzure,” Satsuki chuckled. “Let us head out.”

* * *

Satsuki drank some tea that Nonon’s mother provided while Nonon set up her laptop, connecting it to the big screen television in the living room. Nonon’s excitement was at its peak as the concert began.

Nonon squealed when the Chinese-inspired instrumental intro to _GREEN_ began, and Ayumi came out in a lovely red kimono, with her light brown hair in a bob. “But… where’s Midoring?” Nonon asked as Ayumi continued to perform.

  
Nonon’s face fell when the denouement of the song came on, and Ayumi was seen dancing passionately with one of her male dancers that Nonon never bothered to learn the name of. “This—this is _bullshit_!” she shrieked. “Ayu, why this?!”

Satsuki stared at Nonon. “Nonon, there’s no need to be so vulgar.” Satsuki only called Nonon by her given name when they were alone together, for Satsuki had an image to uphold at school.

“She betrayed me!” Nonon’s face fell to her outstretched hands as she tried not to cry. “ _GREEN_ is supposed to be about a forbidden female love, right?”

“I suppose, but I wouldn’t know for sure, considering how neutral she seems to be in her lyrics,” Satsuki responded, continuing to stare at Nonon while she sipped her tea.

  
“Ayu…” Nonon let out a sob. For Ayumi Hamasaki to film her _GREEN_ music video with one of her female dancers, Midoring, as the love interest, and then to turn around and not actually perform the song to the public with Midoring, that, truly, was a betrayal in Nonon’s eyes. _GREEN_ was a song that was special to Nonon, because she connected with it on an extremely personal level, that maybe, just maybe, Ayumi Hamasaki was just like Nonon.

  
Satsuki drained her teacup. “It’s still a beautiful performance, Nonon. I can hear her passion in her voice. She reminds me of you.”

* * *

Later that night, Nonon decided she was brave enough to venture into the adult section of the Internet. She needed to figure out who she was since Natsumi seemed so sure of who Nonon was. She typed in “lesbian” in the search bar, and clicked on the first result. She paused it for a moment to let the video buffer while she grabbed her headphones, so that her parents wouldn’t hear.

Nonon couldn’t stop staring at the video, and she found herself imitating one of the actress’s movements by putting her hand in her pajama pants and finding her clitoris. She groaned quietly as she found it felt good to rub herself like that. She didn’t notice the video had ended within five minutes; she was so into playing with herself. “Ah…” she let out a small moan when she figured out she could penetrate herself with her fingers. That felt really good, better than clitoral stimulation.

The image of a nude Satsuki invaded Nonon’s imagination. Gone were the images from the pornography that Nonon had just viewed, and Satsuki’s likeness was there instead. Nonon imagined Satsuki performing on her the naughty things that the AV actresses were doing to each other. Her moans got louder as her imagination continued giving her what she wanted, until finally she had to cover her mouth with her free hand to muffle her shriek when her pleasure peaked and she felt the orgasm crash into her like a tidal wave.

“Ah, Satsuki-chan…” she murmured as she pulled her hand out of her pajama pants and stared at the wetness that covered her fingers. Tears began welling up in Nonon’s eyes.

“I really am…” she whispered. “God damn it. I’m one of _them_ …” It was true – lesbians were real and Nonon was one of them.

  
She shook her head and grabbed her cell phone, pulling up Houka Inumuta’s number in her contacts list. “There’s one more thing…” she thought out loud.

  
“HEY, DOGGY NERD, COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TOMORROW.” She texted furiously and with a vengeance. She would find out for sure tomorrow.

“ALRIGHT, JAKUZURE-SAN, BUT WHY?” Houka replied.

“YOU’LL FIND OUT TOMORROW. ANYWAY, GOODNIGHT.” Nonon scoffed as she sent that text.

* * *

 

Houka stared at Nonon’s room, taking in all of the Ayumi Hamasaki vinyl records that were framed and hung on the wall. “You certainly love this singer, don’t you?” he commented.

“Shut up, dog.” Nonon snapped. She turned away from her bedroom window, building up the courage she needed for what she was about to do next. “I know you like me, doggy nerd, so I’m gonna let you show me your feelings right here and now!”

Houka blushed furiously. “Jakuzure-san, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me!” Nonon snapped once more, grabbing Houka’s collar and pulling him in for a kiss.

Nonon immediately regretted it as she found out that she really did not like being kissed by a boy, and also because she heard Satsuki’s voice.

“Jakuzure, I’m coming in.”

Nonon was too late in breaking off the kiss, because Satsuki came in at that second. Nonon’s eyes widened as she found her beloved staring at her and Houka, and she quickly broke off the kiss. “Sa-Satsuki-chan!”

“Don’t let me interrupt you, Jakuzure. Inumuta.” Satsuki said and she left.  
“Satsuki-chan, wait!” Nonon called out.

Houka stared at her reaction. “Jakuzure-san. You… love Satsuki-sama, don’t you?” he asked quietly. “And you didn’t want her to see that, did you?”

Nonon was frozen to her spot, still in shock. “Ah, yeah, I guess, yeah.”

Houka pushed up his glasses. “You should confess your feelings to her, before any more misunderstandings come up.”

Nonon blushed. “Shut up, you nerd. What do you know about love, anyway?” she spat out.

Houka smirked. “Enough.” He turned away from Nonon, and stepped outside of her room. “I apologize that you didn’t enjoy our kiss.”

“It’s not your fault, doggy.” Nonon muttered. “I’m just trash.”

“No, you’re not trash, Jakuzure-san. You’re far from it.”

Nonon looked down at her feet while Houka made his exit.

* * *

Satsuki was waiting outside of Nonon’s classroom when class let out for the day the next afternoon. Nonon was nervous as she met Satsuki. “Shall we go, Jakuzure?”

Nonon nodded. “Yes, Satsuki-chan.”

They walked in silence until Nonon noticed there was no one watching in the streets on the way to Nonon’s house, and Nonon grabbed Satsuki’s hand and squeezed it.

“Nonon…” Satsuki turned to look at her companion.

“Satsuki-chan… I…”

Satsuki smirked and returned Nonon’s hand squeeze. “I know you love me, Nonon.”

Nonon blushed. “But I’m a lesbian! A dirty dyke! And other countless words that I can’t think of!” she said, her voice rising.

“I know, Nonon.”

“H-how do you know?”

Satsuki continued to smirk. “You’re a very transparent girl. Plus it wasn’t hard to figure out after your reaction to that GREEN performance, and also your reaction to me walking in on you and Inumuta.”

“I hate boys! I hated that kiss!” Nonon hissed.

“It’s alright.” Satsuki said.

“Is it really alright?” Nonon asked before her eyes met with Satsuki’s before she began to stammer as Satsuki bent down and planted her lips on Nonon’s lips in a kiss. Satsuki broke away and chuckled as she watched Nonon’s face turn completely red.

“Did you like that, Nonon?”

“Y-yes, I did, Satsuki-chan!” Nonon replied with what she felt was a little too much passion in her voice. “But is it really okay?”

Satsuki placed her hand on Nonon’s shoulder. “It is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with who you are. You’re still a beautiful young woman, Nonon. Your beauty is all that matters to me. I take it you understand that what transpired between us today is not to be uttered to the rest of the school.”

“Of course, Satsuki-chan!” Nonon fervently nodded, and then grabbed Satsuki’s hand and she made the boldest move in her life so far. “Kiss me again.”

Satsuki chuckled some more and fulfilled Nonon’s wish. Now I know who I really am, Nonon thought joyously as she enjoyed the kiss.

“I love you, Satsuki-chan.”

Satsuki showed a rare smile, but didn’t say anything else, and they began to walk home again, with Nonon feeling like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world.


End file.
